Joy

I picked up my daughter this evening after work. I was subtly surprised by her poise and how much sense she was making as she talked about her day and about how she felt. She seemed so grown up all the sudden. She seemed to have independent thoughts and strong emotions that weren’t just temper tantrum driven. She seemed convicted of what she believed and how she felt but not for the purpose as rebellion as it usually seems. She seemed confident. No reason not to be.

When we got home she crafted a plan and invited daddy and I out onto the trampoline. I needed to change my clothes. She said she would wait. She wanted to jump as a family. She wanted to sing. She giggled and grinned. She was in her element. Leading the pack. Orchestrating her symphony. And for once I didn’t feel bossed around or commanded. I felt invited to participate in something of joy. Spontaneous combustion.

I was online later and saw a painted canvas referencing Elizabeth Warren standing up on the senate floor. Persisting. She was warned. Repeatedly. Nevertheless she persisted. And I felt myself swell with pride. And then I thought of all the times I have banged my head against the wall as My daughter pushed back at my ideas, at times ignoring my requests altogether. How she often commands her own agenda and stays her course regardless of the consequences. I thought of how many times I have driven to break that in her, describing her as stubborn and unruly and difficult or impossible.
The irony was not lost on me.

Somehow present in the moment that this evening brought, connections in the car over the day of a 5yr old, followed by squeals of laughter on the trampoline and wrapped up by singing in the dark as she went to sleep “I love you a bushel and a peck, a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck” I found myself caught up in the joy of life. The little moments that make up the big themes. The small lessons that create life’s calling and dreams.

She teaches me more and more each passing day. About adventure and creativity. About persisting. And becoming. About determination. About love and acceptance. About getting wrapped up in joy.

I am inspired to stand beside, encourage and only gently challenge. To not hold her back or stifle her desire to soar. To recommit to being a guide, to accepting her for all that she is in her determination and exuberance for life. To open up to again to spontaneous joy and self expression. To choose grace and gratitude for this journey.

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Emotional Contagion

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Social psychologists study relationships and people interactions, and the concept of “emotional contagion” is widely used within the scientific realm to talk about the impact of internal states of one person on another…. its kind of a fancy way of saying that we are influenced by the people that we hang with, and the environment that we socialize in and live in, each and every moment. The practical application of that is somewhat overwhelming to me as it points out the Significance of the choices we make around who we hang out with and where we live/work/play etc.

If the internal state of another person, whether that be playful, fearful, happy, sad, angry, dysregulated or any number of other states of being, have emotional and long term impact on my overall wellbeing, then that seems to imply the importance of being very choosy with whom to relate, connect, partner with, work with, etc. So how do we go about making those decisions that have such long term impact?

Most of us don’t go about this process all that intentionally… unfortunately far more of us kind of just “land a job” or “meet a friend through a friend” or “go on a blind date” or “strike up a conversation at a coffee shop” or “meet at a party” and through any remote similarity or connection, we “attach”, “become friends” and “associate with” these random encountered people. Is that all bad? No, not all bad. These random associations and meet ups can turn out to be quite meaningful and purpose filled and we can find others in the world who see it similarly to how we do, and who have similar hopes or goals or desires or fears, and we can Connect with another human being in a very meaningful way, that impacts our “internal state” in a positive growth kind of way.

Unfortunately the opposite can be true as well. We can meet someone, begin to associate or hang out with, and before we realize it, they are a “friend” and someone we are seeing frequently, and without even being mindful of it, we begin to be influenced by this person or these people, and they are impacting our internal state.

Does that not scare the hell out of you?? By choosing to hang out with someone on a regular basis, you are actually allowing them to impact your internal state of being!!! Am I the only one that this is a bit disconcerting to??

A simple and not so long term impactful example would be when you see someone else taking a drink of water, and you suddenly find yourself reaching for your water cup or bottle without even thinking about it, feeling thirsty. Or seeing someone wipe their nose or brush it off, and immediately finding yourself brushing your nose to make sure nothing is there. These are subtle, yet classic examples or how we are influenced by what we see in others around us. So if we are influenced by someone simply taking a sip of water, how much more are we impacted by someone who is angry all the time and wears that in their demeanor? Or someone who is anxious or worried about everything and constantly expresses their anxiety about everything in their day to day life?

Dr. Dan Siegel, a neuropsychiatrist and well known author in the world of neuroscience and brain integration speaks of this concept in his book Mindsight in which he describes the idea of “mirror neurons” and “resonance”, in which he outlines the way in which we are impacted by one another and in fact are wired to even feel what others feel…”When we attune with others we allow our own internal state to shift, to come to resonate with the inner world of another…” he continues by noting that it is this ability to resonate with another being that allows us to connect on a deeper level and even attach to another being. “This resonance is at the heart of the important sense of “feeling felt” that emerges in close relationships.”

It’s the beauty and the beast of this emotional contagion… We can be so very positively influenced by another being and the way that they life their life and on the other hand we can be very negatively influenced by another being. Socially, emotionally, spiritually… even physically. Ever noticed how couples that have been together for many years start to almost look like each other, let alone act a lot like one another?  They have been in “training” and they have been influencing each other through mirror neurons and resonance for so many years that even their physical attributes and mannerisms start to match up. (you can read a lot more about influencing your brain and reshaping how you think and behavior in any one of Siegel’s books, which i HIGHLY recommend.)

So who is influencing your inner state of being?? Who’s inner state of being are you influencing?? These are the questions that I am asking today, and that I am challenging each of us to ask. Because there is nothing superficial about an internal state of being…

It is at the heart of who we are as people. It’s how we come to see and experience the world, it’s how we relate to the world and to each other, and how we navigate our way through life, and that is Significant! Yet so many of us take it so lightly and think so little about who we engage with or who we allow to have space inside our world…

Today I am contemplating emotional contagion and I am choosing to be intentional about who and what is influencing me, and how I am influencing those around me. I hope that you can do the same!